Cardiac Kids

By being a, “heart mom”, we get to see a lot of amazing things that happen on the 4th floor of Sick Kids.  The staff – doctors, nurses, OT’s, dieticians, child life specialists – they all play such a huge role in making incredibly scary situations actually seem managable.  Luckily, behind them, is a group called Cardiac Kids, a volunteer group that focuses on raising funds for the Sick Kids cardiology wing.  They focus on providing funds for  the cardiology nursing programs which support the incredible nurses on the 4th floor – easily the best in Canada!

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Beyond nursing, Cardiac Kids also works to support cardiac kids and their families and they really aim to do this through CHD awareness.  One of the projects they’ve been working on is a Cardiac Kids blog: a group of heart mom’s who will rotate blogging about life with heart issues.  The blog posts won’t necessarily focus on just hearts, but about life overall and what it’s like to balance both the amazing and hard parts of a life with CHD.

I was honoured to be included in this group of mom’s.  45% of kids with Down syndrome are born with some sort of congenital heart defect, so it’s something that affects the DS community at large but I find that it’s also something that people assume is just part of the Down syndrome package.  When Jess and I first heard about Lily’s heart condition we fell victim to that mentality; we assumed that it would all work out okay because some kids with Down syndrome have heart issues and it’s just a quick surgery and it’s repaired.  Lily’s PVS diagnosis immediatly changed that, but I also don’t think that we could have lived through her surgery and recovery and not had that experience change our perspective.  Beyond everything else that happened, those initial days of sitting beside Lily while she was in the CCCU, worrying about when her sternum would be closed, wondering when she would come off of the ventalator, dealing with fevers that spike and O2 sats that drop unexpectedly, it changed us completely and we understood, completely, that without the incredible medical intervention, Lily would not be with us.

So, if you want to take a peek at our first post, an introduction to Lily’s story, you can see it here! If hearing her story helps or brings awareness to even a couple of people, then it’s a story that we’re happy to share.

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Seeing Things Clearly

So Lily has glasses.  Sorry, let me rephrase that, Lily is rocking glasses.  During her eye surgery last year, our ophthalmologist was able to get a better look at Lily’s eyes and after our follow-up appointment a couple of weeks ago, she told us that Lily was probably a bit near-sighted and recommended that we try glasses.  I can’t tell you how hesitant we have been about this whole situation – Lily barely lets us brush her hair out of her eyes without a mini freakout so the idea of putting (and keeping!) glasses on her face actually made us laugh.  But, obviously it was something that had to be done so just before her neurology appointment we ordered a pair of miraflex glasses for kids.  You would know Miraflex if you saw them – they’re the kids glasses that have the strong strap along the back; they are rubber and come in a rainbow of colours.  Jess was kind enough to let me pick a nice bright purple, with the caveat that when we we buy her next pair she gets to pick out the colour.  I do wonder if I’ve made a deal with the devil?

We got the call yesterday that they were ready and as I happened to be at a meeting downtown the timing was perfect for me to grab them on my way back to my office.  I stood there for a moment, next to the super busy Tim Hortons in Sick Kids, took the glasses out of their case and marvelled at just how tiny they were – they literally fit into the palm of my hand.  I was so excited to get home and try them on her, and so happy with myself because, shallowly, I had been a bit worried that these glasses would change her looks and, while I know it’s a mother’s bias, I think Lily, sans glasses, has the most beautiful face – it’s tiny and delicate and so incredibly feminine.  I had wondered if the glasses would take away from that….

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I could not have been more wrong.  These tiny glasses look so wonderfully adorable on her tiny, delicate, feminine face.  With her hair pulled back, we could draw a lightening bolt on her forehead and she would be perfect for the part of little Harry Potter.  And while, I know that her looks are not important and this is actually all about her eye health, I can’t help but look at her and be happy that she looks just as sweet with them on as she does with them off.  The glasses change her looks, but only as a different shade of ridiculously cute.  And when she has them on and she smiles her little smirky grin, I’m an instant puddle.

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And turning me into a puddle is certainly to her advantage this week.  It seems that something with Lily’s internal clock has misfired and suddenly this week, the hours between midnight and 5am and now, “party time” in Lily’s world.  It started on Friday night when she woke up crying, which is very unusual for her, at midnight and then, to my chagrin, stayed wide awake until I finally coaxed her to sleep at 7am.  Saturday night went well, but then Sunday saw it happen again, wide awake from 11:30pm until about 4:30am.  So, we’ve reintroduced an afternoon nap which she had given up about 6 months ago, and pushed her bedtime a little later and we’re hoping that helps get a good couple nights of sleep.  Sadly, we’ve also learned the hard way, that she’s become too reliant on us to, “put,” her to sleep instead of putting herself to sleep.  I am 100% guilty of the mom trap that I swore I would never get caught up in! I have usually been the bedtime parent but ever since I went back to work, that time just became so special to me.  I wanted to keep patting her to sleep, or, even worse, letting her fall asleep in my arms – it was my way of keeping her little but it seems that I have created a monster.  So, once we know that she’s back into a routine, it’s time to break the habit and tame the beast.

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I also wanted to say thank you for those of you who reached out after my last post to send us good, “smart doctor” thoughts for my dad.  I’m hopeful that they’ve been working because he has an appointment with a new surgeon on Monday morning and I’m taking that as a good sign.  I’m trying not to overthink anything until we’re actually in his office and hearing what they have in store for him, but it is certainly easier knowing that there are so many people rooting him on.  Keep the thoughts coming – they’ve never been more appreciated!

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Fierce

If, fifteen years ago, you had told me that I would be able to sit in a room, reading medical records and understand the following sentence, “loss of grey-white differentiation consistent with Hypoxic Ischemic Encephalopthy; insult occurring in the bilateral parietal, temporal, occipital lobes and occurring the the posterior frontal lobe along the vertex”, I would have laughed you out of that room.  I skipped any part of grade 10 science that involved dissecting anything and followed that by never taking another science class again because words like, “ischemic”, and “encephalopthy”,  actually caused me stress.

But, here I am, fifteen years later, and that’s exactly how I spent my morning.

After Lily’s yearly visit with the thrombosis team at Sick Kids in November, we realized that there were some gaps in our knowledge of Lily’s medical history – nothing really significant, but things that you couldn’t know unless you had been beside her listening to daily rounds.  And, as those of you who really know me may be able to appreciate, I don’t like the feeling of not completely understanding what’s happening to someone I love.  That’s my role in our family – when someone gets sick, I start to research and I don’t stop until I have a very firm grasp on the entire scenario.  So, shortly afterwards, I made an appointment with the Health Records department at Sick Kids to come in and view Lily’s medical records and that’s where I spent my time this morning.  They were kind enough to set me up at a little round table and slapped 4 massive folders in front of me.  After a quick lesson on how the charts are arranged, they left me in peace to read to my hearts content.  I’m very happy to report that there were no major surprises: a small allergy that we didn’t know about, a little more family information from the social work department, and the knowledge that Lily’s PVS was diagnosed before she came into our care (we had always thought that it was simply suspected and the surgery she had shortly after she was placed with us confirmed it) and she had actually already lost function of her lower left pulmonary vein before she was 4 months old.

What was amazing to me, although it shouldn’t be surprising, is how surreal it felt to be staring at one or two sentences that actually fill our entire lives.  It’s amazing how words can do that, how sometimes they actually just say the bare minimum and not say anything at all.  If you were just someone reading the sentence, “loss of grey-white differentiation consistent with HIE; insult occurring in the bilateral parietal, temporal, occipital lobes and occurring in the posterior frontal lobe along the vertex,” you would just read the words.  Maybe you would understand that it means a brain injury that occurs when the brain is deprived of an adequate of oxygen and that the injury is shown mainly on both sides of 3 different lobes and at the back of a fourth.  But, you don’t really KNOW what it means; you don’t know that it means that Lily will be blind, totally and completely blind for 3 months and then suddenly one day start seeing again.  You don’t know that it means that Lily will not move the left side of her body for what feels like forever, and will struggle to sit up and to hold a toy until one day she sits up and then she bum scoots across the floor and then starts pulling things off of the coffee table and bounces in excitement when you hold up Hug Me Elmo because she’s so excited to play with him.  You don’t know that it means that Lily is delayed in her speech and sometimes you’re so afraid that you’re never going to get to experience that moment where she turns, looks up at you and calls you Mamma until one day she starts pulling on the cats tail and looks another child in the face and you’re a little less afraid.  Two sentences that seem like nothing more than words on a page, but that make up every single day of our lives.

But then you get to think about it a different way.  There were a lot of other words in those charts – a lot of words that basically said that a lot of people were uncertain about Lily’s future and suddenly you’re thinking about Lily and realizing that she is proving these 4 charts of words wrong.  Those words mean nothing when it comes to determining who Lily is and who she will become.  She has surpassed the expectations of so many people and this is just the beginning.  I left the medical records department and met my lovely wife and my incredible daughter and we all went upstairs and had our visit with Lily’s neurologist.  And instead of thinking about those two sentences, I kept thinking about the other words that have become a Lily mantra of sorts, the ones that, to me, sum up Lily far more accurately than anything written in those 4 charts…

“and though she be but little, she is fierce.”

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Lily’s New Wheels

There are certain specialists we see at Sick Kids that leave us less stressed than others.  I like to think of these as “maintenance” appointments – doctor’s we need to see because there was an issue in the past or things that are just part of life and require some follow-up: our regular pediatrician, opthamology and our yearly visit to the thrombosis clinic.

Thrombosis is usually an easy appointment but we’re happy to go.  During each of Lily’s open heart surgeries, she has developed some sort of blood clot: after her first surgery, it was a deep vein thrombosis in her right leg, and after her second surgery it was a venos thrombosis in her left leg, along with a thrombosis on the tricuspid valve in her heart (that was the very scary one that they found on a Friday afternoon and it had miraculously cleared itself by Monday morning, but not after Lily’s cardiologist basically told us that she could have a pulmonary embolism at any moment).  The thrombosis clinic follows Lily to watch for effects of these clots and to ensure that if there are any (because they can cause problems even years later) that we have a plan in place to deal with that.  The appointment itself is very straight forward,  they measure her legs – both the length and circumference – to ensure that both legs are growing at the same rate; they watch for signs of redness, swelling, cyanosis – any symptoms that show there is an issue.  For a while after they discovered the clot on her tricuspid valve, we had discussions about starting her on a drug called Enoxoparin, which is a blood thinner that Jess and I would have delievered through a daily injection.  Luckily for our nerves, after discussing with cardiology, it was decided that we would start with baby aspirin and as long as everything held steady we would stay with that.  I’m happy to say we’ve never had to revisit the option of Enoxoparin!

After looking through Lily’s medical history, they also asked us last year to do full blood panel to conclusively determine if there was something about Lily’s blood that could be the reason behind these issues.  It took us a year to get the results and it turns out that not only does Lily have an increased Factor VIII (which determines how fast the blood clots – in hemophilia there is a decreased Factor VIII, which means the blood doesn’t clot. Lily has the opposite – her blood clots too quickly), she also has a Factor V Leiden (a mutation of one of the clotting factors).  Both of these combined have pretty much guaranteed that she will face issues with blood clots for the rest of her life.  This, in itself, is not anything terrifying, but just another thing that we have to keep tucked away in the part of our brains we call, “Lily’s Medical Mumbo Jumbo”, because it’s information that is important to have when we’re looking at subsequent surgeries, if she ever needs to go on birth control or even if we ever want to take a flight somewhere. What’s amazing to me is that we can even get this information from a simple blood test (well, simple in theory, not so simple for the poor technician trying to draw Lily’s blood).  It’s like opening a door wide open for us when we don’t know all of Lily’s genetic family medical history.  For us, it’s especially cool, because now we can pass this information along to her birth parents so that it’s something they can be aware of for any of their other children.

We’re slowly leading up to Lily’s next ECHO and cardiology visit.  Sometimes it’s very hard not to start worrying about what may come up and to remind ourselves that we just need to look at Lily to see how well she’s doing.  With the change in her formula she’s clearly gaining weight, and energy. You can tell just by watching her for 10 minutes that she’s no longer content to be a passive participant in her own life. She’s aching to get moving and, as such, has developed quite the streak of independence. She doesn’t want to just sit on our lap and be entertained, she wants to be on the ground, exploring everything. She’s constantly trying to pull herself up and I have no doubt that one morning, sooner rather than later, I’m going to be greeted by a little girl standing in her crib.

So, to harness this new energy, we – along with Lily’s OT, decided that the time was right to try a walker. It took a couple of weeks but a loaner was dropped off at our house this week and they made sure that it fit her properly. We’re going to try it out for a week and then, as long as we’re happy with it, we will out in the order for her own. I would love to say that we strapped her in and she did a loop around the neighbourhood but she did figure out how to take a few steps, which is actually way more than we thought she would immediately get from it. Fingers crossed that with some work and practice she and her new set of wheels will be toddling all around!

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No More Tears

Today was the first of the two eye surgeries that Lily needs to have done. We, mistakenly, thought that they were going to do both procedures at once but since that is not the plan we went ahead with the first one today – a simple tear duct probing. Lily, along with a ton of other kids, has had an issue of blocked tear ducts. It’s especially common in kids with Down syndrome and a lot of the time it resolves itself. When it doesn’t, as was the case with Lily, they go in and do a simple procedure to unblock the tear duct. We were actually shocked at how fast it was (less than 45 minutes) and while they had originally recommended that we spend the night, anesthesiology was so happy with how she held up that they let us go home right away. While we were originally a bit hesitant (our post-traumatic stress coming out), now that we’re home, we are grateful to sleep in our own beds.

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It was an odd place to be in emotionally today. We knew, logically and without a doubt, that this was the easiest surgery that Lily has ever had and we love her ophthalmologist so we knew she was in great hands. But we kept flashing back to June 2011 and thinking something similar – this is a regular surgery, it’s common for kids with Down syndrome and they see it all of the time. But that surgery changed our entire lives and while we knew that it wasn’t going to happen again that worry is a hard one to put to rest. It certainly didn’t help that as we were having our last discussion with the anesthesiologist a code blue was called in the recovery unit. It was just another reminder than even when you’re not expecting it life can hand you totally new cards. But we had to out those fears aside, kiss our girl goodbye (who barely even noticed we were gone – she went happily with the nurse!) and hope that we had time for lunch (we barely did).

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So now we’re home – safe and sound and with way fewer tears than before. Lily did not enjoy the recovery process and cried/shrieked for the entire car ride home. It wasn’t until after she crashed for a good long nap (with me right beside her) and got some food in her tummy that she started to come around. And now, even though she still seems a little punch drunk from the medicine, she’s back to her funny ways. In the end, while it wasn’t a good day, it certainly wasn’t a bad one.

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A Great December

Guys, it’s a good thing that it’s almost the new year, because I totally need to make a resolution that I’m going to update you all a lot more often.  Lately I’ve just been so busy that by the time I can sit down and write a post so many things have happened and I’m scared I’m going to forget something.

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First – it was my birthday and now I’m 2! That meant it was totally time to party.  The mom’s planned a fun afternoon for me and my friends – there was a slide and a ball pit, cars to drive, lots of food and then cake! Can I tell you that I’m seriously digging cake.  My Theresa made the most delicious cake ever (because that’s what she does) and it was so good that I actually tried to eat the plate!

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I got to see so many cool people – my birthday twin and my BFF (Daniele & Shanelle) came, even though they’re so much older and they brought their friends Sarah and Cameron, who were so much fun, and they even let Rachel and Tammy come along too.  I got to spend a lot of time with my friend Caleigh too, who is the same age as me but knows how to run and walk.  Even still, she slows down so that we can play together – she’s awesome! Mostly, it was just the best birthday ever! I can’t wait until next year.

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It was more than just my birthday party that was super cool, it was also my birthday present from the mom’s…they bought me a puppy! It’s a boy puppy and he’s black and fluffy and the mom’s say he’s going to be really big (which is better for me because then he’s kind of like a pony!).  There was some debate about his name because Mama C was telling Mommy not to be ridiculous, but I think that in the end Mommy won because we’re all calling him Sprinkles now.  Mama C looks a little embarrassed when she has to call him when we’re out for walks but Mommy just laughs and laughs so I think it’s okay.  Sprinkles and I haven’t spent too much time together yet, because he’s a little bouncy and bite-y still (the mom’s say that’s because he’s teething like I am), but sometimes he just sits nicely and lets me pet him (and by pet him I actually mean pull on his fur or try and stick my fingers up his nose).  The cat doesn’t really like him, but she’s outnumbered so too bad for her!

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I had my latest check-up with my cardiologist at Sick Kids last week.  I had to be sedated so that they could do an ECHO and look and see how my heart is doing.  The mom’s were super happy because even while I was on the medication that makes me sleepy, my oxygen sats stayed as high as 96%, which is pretty incredible.  And it turns out that it’s because I am incredible! Dr. Dipchand says that my hearts looks amazing! She confirmed that there is no blood flow at all coming from my left lung, but I’m handling it really well and there are no signs that my pulmonary pressures are high.  All of this means that I don’t have to go back and see Dr. Dipchand for ONE WHOLE YEAR! She and the mom’s talked some more about some down the road, long term stuff, but for now, unless I start showing signs that something is going funny, then she said there is no point in coming in to take another picture to show us the same thing.   It may have been the best birthday/christmas gift ever!!

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Speaking of Christmas – I just wanted to tell you all that I hope you have a very very very merry time with all of your family or friends or friends who are family.  I know that I’m very very lucky to have incredible people in my life who make the holiday’s so happy and amazing and I just hope that you do too! Plus, I met this Santa guy and he seems to know what’s going on….so maybe talk to him too and he’ll sort you out…

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Can You See the Difference?

Guys, do you remember what you were doing one year ago today? Because I do…well, kind of.  At this time, one whole year ago, I was actually pretty out of it because I had just come out of my second open heart surgery.  You see, when I was born there were some big time problems with my heart – I had something called an AVSD and coarctation of the aorta.  When I was just 7 days old, and still with my birth parents, the doctors at Sick Kids did my first open heart surgery to make my heart a little better so that I could get strong enough and big enough to have the second surgery and on June 16th last year, they decided that I was finally ready.  Now, I don’t remember a lot of the details (mostly because I was on a lot of drugs) but the mom’s say that today was the first day of a very scary 3 months for them.  My heart surgeon was actually really happy with how well he was able to fix my heart, but as most you know, it was during this surgery that he officially diagnosed me with Pulmonary Vein Stenosis.  He was such a great surgeon though, that he tried to fix that (as best he could) at the same time, so that I wouldn’t have to have ANOTHER surgery, but because he spent so much time playing with my heart, it was too swollen for them to close my chest and I spent 3 more days with my sternum open to let the swelling go down.  Those three days were pretty scary for the mom’s.  I hadn’t even been home with them for 3 weeks and suddenly the heart problem that they had expected from me turned out to be way worse and now they were hanging out in a CCCU room actually being able to look down and see my heart beat.  It was pretty surreal.

 

And now here we are, one whole year later, and not only is my chest closed up all nicely and my heart is amazing and healthy and my right lung is strong and working hard, but I’m also sitting and seeing and have a tooth.  And I’m playing in the sand for the first time ever, and hanging out with the mom’s and their friends at the park and trying ice cream and slushies (thanks Rachel!).  I don’t know if you guys know, but us babies do a lot of growing up in one year…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

By The Numbers

98582827495: the number of people in line at the Starbucks at Sick Kids today.

189: the number of days before I need to see my cardiologist again.

99: the highest my oxygen saturation levels were at today (does anyone else remember when we were happy when it was 77?)

30: the number of seconds it takes for the technician to actually do an ECG.

10: the number of minutes it takes the technician to set up the ECG.

 

5: the number of minutes I had to sit in the chest x-ray tube for them to see that my heart and lungs look amazing.

2: the number of naps I got woken up from today so that people could poke and prod at me.

1: the number of lungs I have that are strong enough to do the work of 2 regular working lungs.

 

Just saying, it’s been a pretty amazing day.

 

Oh excuse me, that’s just my ego

Sometimes it’s hard for me not to get a big head.  I mean, seriously people, I know that I’m cute.  I know that when I glance up at people and give them my squishy face smile, that people melt.  I may only be 16 months old, but I certainly know how to use my cuteness to my advantage.  The mom’s say that I’m learning to be manipulative.  I’ve picked up this little girl cry and I just have to turn it on at the right moment and everyone just stops what they’re doing to pay attention to me.  It’s an impressive power that I have.

But I digress.

The thing is, people are always telling me how I cute I am.  I know that I make a lot of jokes about it on here, but sometimes it’s a little crazy.  Now granted, most of the people who notice already know me in real life, but that’s beyond the point.  Over the weekend one of Mommy’s oldest and best friends, Rita (and her assistant Mike), came to take some photo’s of me.  It was really a lot of fun – I got to sit and just play and hang out while Rita (and her assistant Mike) tried to make me smile for them (I wouldn’t.  I’m a bit of a stinker that way).  Now, with all of their amazing photography skills, the whole world can see, in print, how cute I really am.

First, they took some of me, just being adorable…

No photo shoot would be complete without a cute dog added to the mix (thanks Belle for putting in an appearance!)

And the mom’s had to sneak their way in too…

But my very favourite pictures, are the ones with my Bravery Beads.  These are the beads that I got while I was in the hospital (and just keep accumulating).  Every single bead on the strand represents something that I’ve been through – finger pokes, MRI’s, surgeries, that time I got to ride in an ambulance…I’m pretty proud of those beads….

 

Rubber Ball Life

If I have learned one thing in my short but dramatic life, it’s that life really does work like a rubber ball – it bounces up and down between happy things and sad things before you can even realize what’s going on.  I know the mom’s are wishing lately that there would either be a few more happy things or even just that the sad things would be spaced out a little more so they could at least take a breath in between bounces.

I had a new dog.  His name was Otis and he was tiny like me, and funny like me and almost as adorable as me.  Mama C was really sad about Ellie not being around anymore so Mommy decided to surprise her and found a new puppy for us.  Otis came home to us on the Friday night after Ellie went away and we had a really good weekend.  But then by Monday he was really sick and the veterinarian told the mom’s that he had something called Parvo, which is very contagious in puppies and means that they can’t live anymore.  So, the mom’s had to put him down like Ellie, because by the end he was too sick to even move.  The mom’s were surprised at how fast it happened and felt really bad that they weren’t able to do anything else, but knew that it was for the best.  Either way, I miss my friend Otis.  I actually really liked him – he was very gentle with me (after the first day when he used my foot as a chew toy) and he just scampered around the house making everyone laugh.  Poor Otis.

So, that was the sad thing.  The problem was it was just one more sad thing on top of a whole lot of other sad things in a short period.  Between Grandma dying, me having seizures, Ellie dying and then Otis dying, it has been a hard 6 weeks for the mom’s.  Mama C decided that it was time for a little reality break so she’s off on vacation for the next two whole weeks! We’re just waiting for my new cousin, Baby Ollie to be born and then we’ll go to Grandpa’s house in Frankford and spend some downtime just hanging out in his nice house by the water.

But there have been good things happening too! The smiley happy me that made an appearance two weeks ago seems to be sticking around.  All day long I’m just happy to just sit, bounce my feet all around and smile these big huge smiles.  I’m giggling more and now I can’t stop talking.  A lot of the times I’m just playing with different noises but the mom’s have caught me babbling a little bit too.  Everyone who comes over: Janet (my vision worker), my OT Kristin and Kathy and Barb from Surrey Place (Infant Development and Speech and Language) say that it’s like being around an entirely new kid.  They’re amazed at how much I’ve changed in just a few short weeks and they’re so happy that I’m learning new things all of the time.  And I LOVE seeing people.  I’m not even shy a little bit.  This weekend my cousin Alex and her boyfriend Aaron came to visit and I was so happy to just play and smile with them, but it doesn’t seem to matter who’s looking at me, I just want to show them how happy I am.  I don’t really care about toys or stuff, but I love the people in my life so very much.

And it seems to all be because the new medication the doctor’s put me on for my seizures seems to be working so very very well.  I haven’t had a single seizure in almost 3 weeks and my brain is definitly not feeling as fuzzy as it was before.  You can tell just by looking at me that I’m feeling so much better.  The doctor’s were really happy at how well I responded to the medication and were happy that I didn’t have to go onto the other one.  They were even able to give the mom’s a baseline for my development, which made them happy because a) it’s been a long time since anyone has been able to do that and b) they weren’t too far off the mark themselves.  The neurologist says that I’ve developed to about a 4 – 6 month old baby, which at first seems not so good (seeing as I’m 14 months), but is actually pretty amazing, seeing as my brain was pretty much re-set in July.  It’s almost like I have 2 birthday’s to count from.  I have my December birthday which is my actual age, but then I have my brain birthday which is July and would make me 7 months old.  So the mom’s are really really happy with how far I’ve come since I was that little baby in the PICU that wasn’t moving at all, couldn’t see light and couldn’t breathe on her own.  When you put it that way, I’m pretty amazed myself.