Push Hard

A mom post tonight…

I love my job. I really and truly do. Like becoming a mother, it was the one thing I always knew that I wanted to do. I would spend my childhood summers planted at the pool and when asked I would tell everyone that I wanted to be a lifeguard. To take that childhood passion and actually be able to parlay it into a career has been one of my most joyous accomplishments. I get a satisfaction and fulfillment from work that I don’t get anywhere else

Only recently have I discovered a downfall to this job. Since Lily’s cardiac arrest I have struggled with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) – especially at work. I’m in an environment where our main goal is to ensure that our staff are ready to react in a moments notice and to react to the highest standard. It’s what I’ve been doing since I was 15 years old, as a lifeguard myself, a trainer or a programmer.  And every once in a while (and more often than I would like), we end up talking/hearing about situations that have happened at one of our sites – we come together and talk about how it went and what could be learned and taken away. These moments now fill me with dread. As soon as people start talking I can feel myself get clammy and cold and my hands start to shake. I try to take deep breaths and calm myself down, I even leave the room to try and keep it at bay,  but I’m always brought back to the moment of Lily’s arrest and knowing that I failed her – and myself. When someone stands in the front of a room and tells us that EMS says that we can “never push hard enough” (during CPR) I’m filled with guilt – knowing that I couldn’t push at all. And even though I know, in my head, that I’m the only one thinking it, I can’t help but feel as though If I were to repeat my story to this group of co-workers, who all share the same common work goal, all they would see is failure.

PS – I know that it’s one day after Adoption Day and I should still just be reeling from happiness but sometimes that’s the downfall for sharing this journey with us – there are ups and down’s and they come whether we like it or not.

For Keeps

I think the title says it all. As of 2:15pm, the judge signed the papers and officially said that the mom’s and I belong together for keeps. We all know that it’s really no different then it was yesterday, but it feels a little bit different. I have their last name!

I was incredibly lucky to be surrounded by the people who made this adoption all possible in the first place. Obviously the mom’s and I were there, but we were also joined by our adoption worker Mary, Gramma & Pa and Grandpa, of course my cousins Ollie and Thor along with so many other people who have been our biggest supporters over the last year and a half – Steve, Jason, Telly, Rita & Thano and Madison. And then, we the three people, Auntie CC, Theresa and Cathy (MeMa) who put their names on the line and told CAS how they thought the mom’s would be great parents and how they deserved the chance to love a kid like me. If they hadn’t done that and done it so well, then maybe none of this would have happened. For that, I know the mom’s are so so so grateful (and really, how could they not be – they got me out of the deal!).

It was a pretty amazing day all around, but something very surprising happened while we were in the court room that took us all by surprise and made the day even more incredible. We all filed in the room and the mom’s and I sat up at the front. It took a minute for the judge to start talking, and he started by welcoming us all there and telling us that adoption days are the happiest kind of days because they get to help create a family (he didn’t really need to tell us that). But then, he went on and told us that my adoption in particular was very happy for him because he was the judge who was there when my birth parents made the hard decision to let me be adopted because they wanted me to have the best home possible. He’s the man who really made it possible for the mom’s and I to be together. He told us that he remembered when my birth parents came in and he felt really lucky to get to meet me in person and get to see with his own eyes that I found a family who loves me so very much. He said he doesn’t always get a chance to see things come in a full circle and this was special to him. I know the mom’s agree with him and if I could speak I would tell him that he doesn’t know how right he is. Today, I feel pretty loved.

Tomorrow

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As you can see, Cookie Monster (who used to belong to my Uncle Geoffrey when he was little and at Sick Kids) and I are getting ready for bed. Now normally I like to try and stay up to play in my crib before I give the mom’s some peace but tonight I will be going right to sleep – and not just because I’ve had a pretty horrible cold – but because tomorrow is a very exciting day in our house. Tomorrow is Adoption Day!! Finally, after waiting for so so long the mom’s and me will go to the court house tomorrow where we will meet with a judge who will sign the adoption record that says that I (legally) am the daughter! Not that I wasn’t the daughter before but now I can have a birth certificate that says it too (and the mom’s keep talking about something called a bank account which sounds kind of cool). Everyone knew that the mom’s and I belong together but after tomorrow it will just be a fact. That’s pretty amazing.

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Cookie Monster….I mean, Master….

A mom post tonight….

Although we try not to dwell on it too much, there are certainly some aspects of Lily’s diagnosis(s) that can be challenging as her parents.  It can be really hard to see her work so hard and not make the gains that you want her to be making.  It can get frustrating when you finally reach a long awaited milestone (sitting for example) and realize that there’s no real time to celebrate, you just have to jump back in to keep working on the next skill (transitioning between lying down and sitting – she can get down, but getting up is proving to be a pretty tough skill).

But then, then there are days like today, where all of the work pays off and you end up amazed at such a simple thing – like eating a cookie….

Momma had been doing all the cookie work until now

lips can be a very big distraction – who knew?

Success!!!

And just to make it even better, she moved that cookie right to the other hand

post cookie glory

We only got about 3 full bites and then she spit them all out – that little down syndrome tongue is a great hiding place…

But speaking of new skills, Lily has mastered two other things this week: the skill of the fake cry, complete with squeezing her eyes to make the fake tears come, and the art of staying up past her bedtime by becoming the smiliest, most giggle filled girl you’ve ever met.  She’s a sneak this one…

tired eyes mean nothing